'Twenty Ways to Insult a Nose'

DE GUICHE: Will no one put him down?. . .
THE VISCOUNT: No one? But wait!
  I'll treat him to ... one of my quips! ... See here! ...
(He goes up to Cyrano, who is watching him. With a conceited air):
  Sir, your nose is ... hmm ... it is ... very big!
CYRANO (gravely): Very!
THE VISCOUNT (laughing): Ha!
CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all?
THE VISCOUNT: What do you mean?
CYRANO: Ah no! young blade!  That was a trifle short!
 You might have said at least a hundred things
 By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...
 Aggressive:  'Sir, if I had such a nose
 I'd amputate it!'  Friendly:  'When you sup
 It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
 You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!'
 Descriptive:  ''Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape!
 --A cape, forsooth!  'Tis a peninsular!'
 Curious:  'How serves that oblong capsular?
 For scissor-sheath?  Or pot to hold your ink?'
 Gracious:  'You love the little birds, I think?
 I see you've managed with a fond research
 To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!'
 Truculent:  'When you smoke your pipe ... suppose
 That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--
 Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
 Cry terror-struck:  "The chimney is afire"?'
 Considerate:  'Take care, ... your head bowed low
 By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!'
 Tender:  'Pray get a small umbrella made,
 Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!'
 Pedantic:  'That beast Aristophanes
 Names Hippocamelelephantoles
 Must have possessed just such a solid lump
 Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!'
 Cavalier:  'The last fashion, friend, that hook?
 To hang your hat on?  'Tis a useful crook!'
 Emphatic:  'No wind, O majestic nose,
 Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!'
 Dramatic:  'When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!'
 Admiring:  'Sign for a perfumery!'
 Lyric:  'Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?'
 Simple:  'When is the monument on view?'
 Rustic:  'That thing a nose?  Marry-come-up!
 'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!'
 Military:  'Point against cavalry!'
 Practical:  'Put it in a lottery!
 Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!'
 Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...
 'Behold the nose that mars the harmony
 Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!'
 --Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
 Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
 But, O most lamentable man!--of wit
 You never had an atom, and of letters
 You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!
 And--had you had the necessary wit,
 To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
 Before this noble audience ... e'en so,
 You would not have been let to utter one--
 Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
 I take them from myself all in good part,
 But not from any other man that breathes!

	-- Edmond Rostand