[732] At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me

Guest poem sent in by Jeff Berndt <thecraichead@>

Dear Madam, you have seen this play;
I never saw it till today.
You know the details of the plot,
But, let me tell you, I do not.
The author seeks to keep from me
The murderer's identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If you keep shouting who it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several funny things to say,
But they do not amuse me more
If you have said them just before;
The merit of the drama lies,
I understand, in some surprise;
But the surprise must now be small
Since you have just foretold it all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, a half-wit too,
But I can understand the piece
Without assistance from your niece.
In short, foul woman, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I trust you will not speak again.
And---may I add one human touch?---
Don't breathe upon my neck so much.

	-- A. P. Herbert

Once upon a time you sent the Deep Sorriness Atonement Song ("They're all
sorry, very sorry, but I'm sorrier by far") and commented that poetry _can_
be useful.  I first read this poem in ninth grade.  We didn't study it.  I
was bored and was paging ahead in our literature book.  I had it
half-memorized once upon a time, mostly because it's funny.  Then, years
later, I became involved in community theater. This poem should be printed
on the inside cover of every program handed out to every person who ever
goes to a live theater production.  My only complaint is that it doesn't
mention pagers and cell phones, which did not exist in A P Herbert's time.

Info on A.P.Herbert:

From Simpson's Contemporary Quotations:
  A P Herbert, Member of British Parliament
  QUOTATION: I am sure that the party system is right
  and necessary. there must be some scum.
  Wrote a series for Punch! Magazine called 'Misleading
  Cases'  Here's a link: http://www.kmoser.com/herbert/
  Also wrote a book called 'The Water Gypsies'

Here's his entry in Factmonster.com:
  Herbert, A. P. (Sir Alan Patrick Herbert), 1890-1971,
  English author and member of Parliament. He was a
  regular contributor to the comic magazine Punch from
  1910 until his death. Herbert served in Parliament
  from 1935 until 1950 as a representative for Oxford
  Univ. and was largely responsible for the bill (1937)
  liberalizing English divorce law. His numerous books
  include The House by the River (1921), The Water
  Gipsies (1930), and The Singing Swan (1968). He was
  knighted in 1945.

- JKB

[Martin adds]

We've had, over the years, a number of letters from readers, expressing
their delight at rediscovering poems whose half-remembered fragments had
been haunting them. Well, the cosmic balance has been restored somewhat -
today's poem is one I read once, some ten years ago, and have been trying to
relocate ever since (helped not at all by the fact that I only remembered
the opening four lines). Many thanks to Jeff, with whose comments I agree
fully.

Links:

The aforementioned 'Deep Sorriness Atonement Song' can be found at poem #602

m.

From: "Colleen Medcraft" <Colleen.Medcraft@>

I cannot believe I have found this poem.  I gave the search engine the
first line and the first website that came up was this one.  I, too, read
this poem when I was at school (some 30-few) years ago.  I quoted part of
it once at a family outing to the Orchard Theatre in Dartford.  I then felt
very sorry that I couldn't remember the rest of it.  Oh how I shall enjoy
quoting it again in the future!

Colleen Medcraft, Sidcup



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From: "Mosgiel Enterprises" <mosgiel@>

Dear sir,
My father is after a poem by A.P Herbert written on a ship's surgeon
textbook on Gynaecology the first line went "The portions of a women
that appeals to Man's depravity , are constructed with considerable
care..  I was wondering if you have a copy of this poem you could send
me. My father is in his eighties and knew Herbert and would dearly love
a copy of this poem
Hoping you can help.
Cheers
Penelope Holmes Perth Western Australia

From: Eleanor Durrant <e.durrant@>

The person just above was looking for this: "The Doctor's Lament".
http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiNAMEANAT.html

From: Gill.Wheatley@

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I remember having to recite this poem at primary school in Brixton,
South London, and was reminded of the first few lines after sitting
through a wonderful rendition of Blythe Spirit starring Penelope Keith.
My poor partner obviously had a descendent of the original 'dear madam'
sitting next to him. I couldn't remember all of the poem and was
thrilled when Google found this site for me.

Gill Wheatley
Cheltenham









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From: "rosali" <rosali@>

Thank God for google! I read this verse as a lass and it always comes to
mind when I'm at a movie and the audience decides to get in on the act.
I have been searching Amazon.com for every book of verse without
success. Today I decided to do a google search with the first line and
Viola!