Sheriff's Log (offensive to Hoosiers)

[ag3@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Rodney Mood)]

In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of
southern Indiana, there's a microcosm of all that is (and shall ever
be) the Great Mid West.  It's known as Brown County.  Yup.  That's my
hometown!

And if you want to know what's going on in Brown County, you only have
to read the Sheriff's Log in the local paper, _a The Brown County
Democrat_.  Heck, even if you don't want to know what's going on, you
still read it for the comic relief!

This is a small collection of some of the *actual* phone calls received
by the Sheriff's department in good 'ol Brown County, Indiana:

Man on Bellsville Road reported someone has knocked down his mailbox
and then came back and ran over it.

11:14pm Man reports suspicious vehicle on Butler Road.

11:34pm Deputy reports vehicle had a couple of "lovers" in it.  They
were advised to pull the car off the road.

Man has found a couch hidden behind a wood pile.

Woman's washing machine has overheated.  Woman's unplugged it, but it
is still smoking.

Man is coming out of a man hole.

Person calls to ask if it is raining.

Man reports the covered bridge in Bean Blossom didn't feel right when
he drove over it.  County highway is advised.

Someone reports nude swimmers at Pikes Peak -- two cars dispatched.

Trouble reported at the county dump.  Someone abandoned a person there.

4:02am Caller reports a "boat just went through Morgantown at a high
rate of speed," headed west.

Woman phones that she has "found a bull."

Man wanted to know if he could burn his house down.  Was advised to
talk to the fire department.

Man complains on phone of noise pollution from helicopter.  He said
sheriff department should stop the helicopter.

Someone on phone said, "I'd like to report a fire" and then hung up.

2:20pm Woman on 135 north suspects radiator may have been stolen from
auto.

2:47pm Deputy reports radiator not stolen; woman was confused because
radiator was not behind grill on transverse engine.

Man wants to know if sheriff would like to come watch his snakes eat.

Woman requests a deputy--her pussycat is sick and will not come out
from under the bed.  Deputy enroute.

Cattle are out; Sheriff enroute to help round up the herd.

4:11am Girls at a slumber party request assistance.  Two deputies
enroute.

Man advises there may be domestic trouble soon at his home.

6:41pm Woman on Three Notch Road phones that she accidentally grazed
her husband while shooting hogs.

6:51pm Woman phones again to advise disregard earlier phone call.  Says
her husband received only a couple of small scratches on his chest from
ricocheting shotgun pellets.

Man phones to say a dog has bitten his child.  He shot dog and is
taking its head to State Board of Health.

Monroe County said a woman wanted us to be on the look out for her
husband who is drunk.  She said she was worried about the car.

Man reports his son has run away with two girls.

Man reports he will be burning his sister's barn on Valley Branch Road.

Woman reports her husband may report his car stolen but she has it and
he knows it.

Man complained that a neighbor has got a dog in heat and his dog left
because of it.  He was advised to call the Humane Society because there
is not much you can do about Mother Nature.

A grouse flew through a window on Helmsburg Road setting off a burglar
alarm, and cat ate the grouse.

Woman on Artist Drive reported varmits in their flue.

9:13am Eleven cows missing since last night on Green Valley Road.

9:42am Disregard on missing cows.  They have come home.

Woman at Fruitdale complains that neighbor's dogs won't let her go to
mailbox.

Man advises that his dog, which bit a person has been all right since
then.

Man from Gnaw Bone advises that two unauthorized cows are on his
property.

Woman reports she found a dead dog in her bed.  Deputy investigates.

9:01am Cow is tearing up golf course.

4:20pm Man who reported cow tearing up golf course reports a heard of
cattle is now on the golf course.

Woman reported several "sleazy" males at Long Mountain.

Woman reported a party going on at Helmsburg with a bunch of kids and
that one girl is parading around in her nighty with a beer in her hand.

Woman reports car heading north from Stonehead.  Two "scroungy" male
subjects are in the vehicle driving very slowly.  Also had a "tent-like
affair" inside of car.

"Seedy" looking subject reported at the corner of Helmsburg Road and
Jackson Branch Road.

Oak Ridge Road resident complains of car which has been "messing
around" at night and early mornings.

Man requests deputy to tell his wife he has two buildings on fire and
doesn't know when he will be home.

Prisoner released to the custody of father to register for college.

And no, that last one wasn't me, either ;-)