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Settling the Y2K Election... (original, topical)

      Well, folks... it's been a week since the election ended, and 
we still don't have a new President.  What we have to realize here is 
that we are a civilized nation, and that there should be some 
reasonable way to figure out who our next leader should be.  So let's 
throw out all the lawyers, toss the injunctions, and settle on one of 
the options below...

     OK, America... it's time for you to consider your choices...  In 
the spirit of fairness and bipartisanship, we present the ideas with 
various PRO and CON arguments for each. 

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OPTION #1:  A Duel

    Yes, that's right.  Take ten paces, turn and fire.  It's 
primitive, it's violent, it's soooo 18th century... in short, it's 
everything Americans seem to like right about now!  And it'll get 
great ratings on Pay-Per-View.  We could even get Strom Thurmond to 
moderate the duel, as he was around for the original Aaron 
Burr-Alexander Hamilton duel that happened in 1804.

PROS:
1.  Historical Precedent (The aformentioned Burr/Hamilton affair)
2.  Provides a clear and certain winner.
3.  No appeals, whining, recounting, reloading, or re-running for 
the loser.
4.  Would get better ratings than election coverage.
5.  Absolutely, positively impossible for exit polls, political 
pundits, or guys from the Fox Network who know G.W. personally to 
project a winner before it's done.

CONS:
1.  Potential to make Gore look like a hypocrite if he wins--after 
all, he'd have to admit that "Guns don't kill people... people do"
2.  Bush might refuse the offer--he's already killed his quota of 
people for November in Texas.
3.  Bullets for guns taken from Pentagon stock at taxpayer expense 
would cost $5,000,000 each.
4.  Chance that Gore might actually be stiff enough that bullets 
can't penetrate his skin.  Some might say this is a potential "PRO", 
as it would save money on Secret Service protection if he were 
President.




Option #2:  The Coin Toss

      Hey, if this election is a toss-up; why not decide it the way 
toss-ups have been decided for hundreds of years.  Just flip a coin 
and the winner becomes the most Powerful Man on Earth.  Some might 
say that this is no way to determine a President, but I know some who 
have made their voting decisions on similar criteria...

PROS:
1.  Format well-understood by the public.
2.  Genuine 50-50 odds.  If the coin manages to land on its edge, 
Ralph Nader becomes President.

CONS:
1.  There'd be 8 lawsuits to determine who got to call the coin.
2.  There'd by 5 lawsuits to determine who got to toss the coin.
3.  The chance that the NFL referee who screwed up that 
Lions-Steelers coin toss a few years ago could be the man who tosses 
the coin.
4.  What to do when, in response to the question "Governor Bush, 
please call the coin in the air", G.W. responds "It's a quarter".




Option #3: The Bowl Championship Series

       Since no one seems to like either the much-maligned BCS (who 
determine the teams that play in the College Football Championship 
Game, for those who aren't football fans) or the Electoral College; 
let's simply swap their roles.  Let the BCS figure out who the next 
President is, and let the Electoral College pick the teams that play 
for the NCAA championship.  

PROS:
1.  Sportswriters and computer ranking people who make up the BCS 
know nothing about politics, making them a perfect reflection of the 
electorate.
2.  BCS system so complicated and obscure that no court appeals from 
the loser would be possible (or if they did, it'd take two full terms 
for the suit to finally be settled)
3.  Even the Electoral College could figure out that if Miami beat 
Florida State that Miami should be ranked ahead of FSU.

CONS:
1.  Potential computer glitches could mean that the next President 
could be... Nebraska.
2.  Potential Electoral College confusion could mean that Al Gore 
plays Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl.  Of course, some Bush 
supporters might think that to be a positive thing...
3.  Computer rankings might give Nader, Buchanan, Browne, or one of 
the 2,974 other candidates that appear on the Florida ballot the 
Presidency based on Strength of Schedule. 
4.  Harvard and Princeton might end up playing for the NCAA 
championship if the Electoral College vote were to break down along 
Alma Mater lines.


Option #4.  Regis Philbin.

        Since recent Neilsen surveys have ABC's "Who Wants to be a 
Millionaire" slipping in the ratings relative to last year's 
performance, it needs a shot in the arm.  So why not "Who Wants to be 
the President?", featuring Regis Philbin asking the two candidates 
various trivia questions, with the one advancing further becoming the 
Leader of the Free World.  

PROS:
1.  Would get great ratings; show format understood by most everyone.
2.  Money won by either candidate could go toward fulfilling 
expensive campaign promises rather than taking the money from the 
taxpayers.
3.  Philbin would probably do a better job mediating than Jim Lehrer 
did during the debates.

CONS:
1.  Bush would want to use a lifeline when he was asked by Regis 
"What would you do if you were to become the President?"
2.  Gore would insist on a hand-count of the audience votes when he 
used his "Ask the Audience" lifeline.
3.  Bush would protest when "That Guy" was not one of the available 
choices to the question "Who is the current leader of Taiwan?"
4.  Gore would claim to have won $64,000,000 when he had only reached 
the $64,000 question.



Option #5.  Survivor!

       While I personally could not stand to watch the 
pandering crap known as "Survivor" on CBS last summer, I must now 
admit that the idea has some merit.  Put Bush, Gore, and Nader (we 
need a third on the island for voting purposes) on a deserted island 
in the middle of the Pacific, and let them "tough it out" until they 
vote all but one candidate off the island... who would then become 
our next President.

PROS:
1.  A ratings slam for CBS... after all, if people watched a bunch of 
random yahoos make themselves look like asses on TV for a chance to 
win $1,000,000; how many do you think would watch with the Oval 
Office on the line?
2.  The fact that the sight of politicians being forced to eat rats 
would give tremendous pleasure to all Americans, regardless of their 
political affiliation.

CONS:
1.  The chance that no one would ever get elected President, as no 
one would get voted off the island--in every vote, Nader would vote 
Gore off the island, Gore would vote Nader off the island... and Bush 
would vote himself off the island.
2.  Bush would spend all of his free time looking for Gilligan.
3.  Gore would spend the whole time claiming he should automatically 
win, as he invented "Survivor" while he was a Senator from Tennessee.
4.  Nader would refuse to vote, claiming the whole idea was an 
artifact of the power of the Evil Corporate Empire, leaving us with 
a potential for gridlock.


       Well, folks... it's now time to make your choice.  Using the 
below ballot, made and tested on Authentic Palm Beach County Voters, 
please make your choice.  Don't e-mail them anywhere... we'll just 
have the FBI use Carnivore to examine your responses to determine a 
winner if necessary.

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OFFICIAL BALLOT: PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

       Please check, mark an "X", or punch your choice below.  
Florida voters, please do NOT punch holes in your computer screen.  
Multiple punches will be taken as a sign that you want Pat Buchanan 
to be President.  

       Write-in votes will be accepted,  please briefly 
describe your idea--please do not suggest any ideas that involve 
binge drinking, human-sized lock-boxes, or that guarantee the death 
of all candidates.  


DUEL    --------->   [ ]  <----------  DUEL


COIN TOSS ------->   [ ]  <----------  COIN TOSS


BCS METHOD ------>   [ ]  <----------  BCS METHOD


GAME SHOW ------->   [ ]  <----------  GAME SHOW


SURVIVOR -------->   [ ]  <----------  SURVIVOR


WRITE-IN -------->   [ ]  <----------  WRITE-IN


       Thanks for Voting!    

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BMH
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