Advice about visiting the Texas White House

[jra@xxxxxxxxxxx (Jay R. Ashworth)]

The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be drawing a
number of people to that area, including many who are not used to
southern hospitality. They might find useful the following travel
advice:

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and
Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.  It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies,
or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes
have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes,
Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate.  If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick
your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with
gravy.  And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets beat!