Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?

[Anonymous]

[Originally appeared in comp.sys.palmtops.pilot, posted with Mr. Hagen's
permission - ed.

>From: Arthur Hagen (art@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx)
>Newsgroups: comp.sys.palmtops.pilot,alt.comp.sys.palmtops.pilot
>Subject: Re: Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? (LONG and OT)


[WARNING - this is *very* off-topic]

"Sony Gurm?" <me@xxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:MPG.1548f2886d3651a5989684@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> Erm, you have it entirely wrong. Americans can't, as a rule, speak or
> write their own language well enough to correct anyone on it, much less
> those who invented the language in the first place.
>
> The fact that "ain't" is now in the dictionary disturbs me no end. And
> the very fact that you spell "burglarise" with a 'z' (there are NO
> proper "ise" words which you spell with "ize" attests to your own
> acceptance of the complete mangling of the English language.

Surprize, surprize...
According to my American dictionary, I find several -ise verbs that the
Americans spell with an s instead of a z.
Circumcise, compromise, exercise, exorcise and improvise.
I find it disturbing that they insist on "anglicize" though...

In the interest of promoting friendship between the two countries, I decided
to develop a few programs to help translating between the two:

--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.uk -e 's/ise((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/our((|s|ed)\W)/or$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---

--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.us -e 's/ize((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/or((|s|ed)\W)/our$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---

Usage:
to_uk <list of files to convert>
to_us <list of files to convert>

to_uk Version 1.00
to_us Version 1.00
Copyright (C) 2001 Arthur Hagen - all rights reservedized.

The next version will deal with translations like:

UK               US
biscuit          cookie
scone            biscuit
lump of dough    scone
fag              cigarette
homo             fag
gay              happy
socialist        communist
whig             socialist
tory             democrat
right-wing tory  republican
green            tree-hugging
bloke            buddy
sod              fuck
oops             fuck
oh               fuck
jolly            fucking
very             fucking
really           fucking
quite            fucking
guy              motherfucker
bloody           motherfucking
darn             motherfucking
,                , you know,
.                , know what I mean?
!                , man!
nude             pornographic
nudity           porn
flat             apartment
lift             elevator
chemists         drug store
loo              rest room
complain         sue
chips            fries
maize            corn
corn             grain
coffee           espresso
tepid water      coffee
cold water       beer
tipsy            drunk
drunk            plastered
pissed           dead drunk
annoyed          pissed
irate            postal
nice             cool
cool             cold
cold             freezing
snow             snow storm
drizzle          rain storm
rain             flood warning
light breeze     wind storm
windy            hurricane
foreign weather  sunshine
brolly           umbrella
telly            TV
umpire           referee
bowler           pitcher
football         soccer

I believe there could be a market for a conversion program like this.
Hmm - perhaps I should make a TealInfo translator?

Regards,
--
*Art